The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
