I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
