My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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