So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
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