He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
