I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
