this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
