not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
