Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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