I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think a kid would responsible me up
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
