I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Is Oprah even human
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
