I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
birth control should be required to get into college
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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