Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
