I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
