My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
