so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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