I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
