I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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