my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
