i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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