Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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