I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
