too bad you live with your parents still
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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