Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
