i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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