Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
