he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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