I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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