Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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