That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
