Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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