He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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