So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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