Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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