we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
