no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
