Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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