Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
