tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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