just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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