Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
