just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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