I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
