"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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