I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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