Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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