I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
