I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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