I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
