You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
