I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
